The People v. Spiral Cut Hamlet

But seriously, it's been a long time since I wrote anything. Let's just say the last few months have been busy.

Economic collapse isn't fun. Especially when you work in the Financial Industry. Oh well, I'm still employed so good for me. Everyone's a bit skittish about whether or not we'll keep our jobs, but I just don't have the time or energy (or desire) to spend my life worrying about it.

The election was fun. What a trip. Went down to VA for a weekend to help canvas. Held a VP Debate Watch Fundraiser and we raised almost $500 for Obama/Biden. It was AMAZING. Then Chris went to Ohio and I went to Pittsburgh for the weekend before the election to help get out the vote. Being a part of that was indescribable. Chris even got to see Obama in Cleveland -- absolutely unforgettable. We both flew back the Monday before the election and spent election night here at home nervously watching the results and then celebrating wildly. What an accomplishment!!! I did things that weekend I never thought I had the ability to do.

China sucks. Discuss.

I can't believe the IOC gave them the Olympics. What idiots. I'm sure their pockets are nicely padded now, especially after Sochi, Russia got the Winter Olympics in 2014 or some nonsense. What the hell are they thinking?

Yeah, it's been a ridiculously long time since I've posted. Mea culpa.

So. My company tanked, got bought out by JP Morgan, but two weeks ago we found our jobs (and more importantly salaries) are safe. Yay. Unfortunately I got sent to Delaware for some work-related nonsense all last week, which included my 28th Birthday. So that blew, but the absurd amount of Overtime will surely make up for it.

How's everyone doing out there?

PS: Go Obama!

Yeah, I suck. I don't write much but that's because I got a real job, which causes me to suck. It also pays me. I didn't get laid off in the current shitstorm that is the financial marketplace these days.

But in better news, I got kitties! Gus is a cute 2 year old tuxedo shorthair pictured in all his regalia below:





and again here:




He's our gorgeous grey Gus. About 2 months after we got him, we decided he needed a buddy and adopted a special needs kitten named Tucker. He was badly injured when he was younger and, despite the surgery, will probably never have full use of his right legs. He's about 8 months old and his spirit is amazing. Here he is:







and here they are together...

Spending the weekend with mom, Amber, & Chris in Philly. We just went to see the King Tut exhibit at the Franklin Institute. It was good but there was no mummy or sarcophagus...

Sort a let-down, honestly. They tell you about how the body had 3 golden sarcophagi, but they couldn't spare one for the exhibit? Lame.

Anyone who watched "24" this season will get a kick out of this. One of my favorite websites is "Fashion SWAT" from Something Awful.com (http://www.somethingawful.com/d/fashion-swat/index.php). The website takes photos from popular sites, events, catalogues.. whatever.. and beats the hell out of them with witty repartee. This one's taken from their "International Male" Catalogue write up. It's like the Sears Catalogue for Eurotrash Wannabe Pussies.

This man is the antithesis of all of that:




And the commentary is the best part:

Dr. Thorpe: You see this man, International Male models? This man is going to fill your mouth with spiders, if you're lucky. He might just stare you to death with his electric intensity.

Zack: International Male can't sell this. This is real. This is Boothe. You try to package that and market it and you're just going to kill it. Like a great thoroughbred horse sealed in Lucite.

Dr. Thorpe: You know when people say "the powers that be" when they're talking about the ultimate unreachable authority? This is who they're talking about.

Zack: Yeah, and not in a vague or symbolic sense. They are literally talking about Powers Boothe. Look at that fucking mustache. That is raw power there. He could destroy the building that International Male calls its sissyfied headquarters with that facial hair.

Dr. Thorpe: Usually guys who are a little bit jowly look sloppy, but Powers Booth looks like he got those jowls from ripping the meat off International Male ribcages all day long.

Zack: Those are like Samson's locks, man. The jowls just feed his strength. He could bite through the skull of a bison.

Dr. Thorpe: You can tell this picture was taken on a red carpet or something, but he's not looking at the camera. He's staring out into the crowd because he just spotted a dude in a velvet cape and he's about to smash him into a quivering slurry.

Zack: He could pulp an International Male at a hundred yards without even glowering hard.

Dr. Thorpe: He's not smiling, either, he's grimacing. I bet there's a low growl coming out of him, warning International Males that he means business.

Zack: He's going to find that shirtless guy in the suede pants and strangle the dude with his own veins. He will boot that bib-top wearing homo by the pool so hard in the chest that his ribcage will flip inside out and his mom will collapse from a heart attack. .

Dr. Thorpe: He's going to push the dude in the Opera Trenchcoat down the stairs so hard the stairs will turn into a ramp.

Zack: Nap time at the hacienda is going to be apocalyptic. Powers Boothe is going to stride among the napping dudes like the Colossus of Rhodes and when he smells a pin stripe or pink shoes he's just going to reach down and rip out the guy's soul. Rip it out and look it in the eye and then swallow it.

Dr. Thorpe: And at that point, that soul's not going to worry about hell or oblivion or anything. As soon as it feels his icy fingers grip it, it's going to start worrying about that moment when he looks it in the eye. It's going to last only a fraction of a second, but it's going to seem like an eternity of piercing, horrible agony.

Zack: It will welcome hell or oblivion. For that split-second it will beg for an eternity in fire.

Dr. Thorpe: The fire won't even bother it in hell, the lingering memory of his steely eyes will be all the torture it can stand.

Zack: That dude in the fur coat? Forget about it. Boothe is going to skin that guy and turn his pelt in at Spencer Gifts for store credit. Then he's going to buy one of those candles that looks like a vagina and he's going to light it and he's going to fuck it until there's nothing left because he doesn't half-ass anything.

Dr. Thorpe: Jesus, this photo should just be shown to babies when they're born, and they'll never turn into sissies. They might be afraid of mustaches for a while, but it'll be worth it.

Zack: Yeah, it's like the all-encompassing life equivalent of those highway safety videos where it shows the consequences of not wearing a seatbelt. You fuck up and THIS is going to be the last thing you see. They won't even find your bones.

Dr. Thorpe: They'll grow up knowing that if they ever even think about becoming the Ultimate Poet, this man will be right behind them, silently slitting their throats with a bowie knife.

Zack: He doesn't even need a knife, he just keeps one fingernail really long and he sharpens it to a razor's keenness.

Dr. Thorpe: And then he turns their whole head around, snapping their spine while simultaneously giving them one last glimpse of true manhood.

Zack: And as your mouth fills up with spiders, you will know that he is right and that you deserve everything Powers Boothe has done to you.

Dr. Thorpe: And then he casually walks away, starts up his hovercraft, and flies into the night sky, where he will play Texas Hold 'Em with Hercules and Thor and maybe shoot one of them dead just to prove a point.

Don't ask. Just watch.

So this month is turning out to be a damn good month. Started out in France. Got sworn in. Now, I'm getting a really good raise at work and being promoted to doing actual work here, not just the boring, mindless project I've BEEN working lately. I was given my own branch and everything, including my own desk, starting monday. I am in charge of Atlanta and all the new accounts from "Unknown" branches. So I'm calling it the Department of Mysteries. Five house points if you can tell me where that's from!

Of Paris! Me! In Paris! Moi!

Enjoy, kids:

This was taken on the day we landed and forced ourselves to go to the Louvre and Place de la Concorde. We were exhausted - not my best look:



This is a great photo of the gargoyles/chimaera atop Notre Dame and then ME atop Notre Dame.





Me in front of the Eiffel Tower:



Me in Monet's Gardens at Giverny:



A photo I took from the Catacombs of Paris:



Election Posters:



A cool photo of the rainstorm while we were there, very noir-esque:



CHRIS, the wonderful and amazing photographer he is, has gathered all our photos of the trip and put them on his neat-o photo website. Please go take a look, as the best ones are over there. These are just the Cliff's Notes version. -- http://driftwoodnyc.smugmug.com -- You will not regret it. Plus, there's one of me making an ass of myself by playing Quasimodo in the catacombs and one of him mocking a gargoyle. Good times, kids. Good times.

And I'm a real lawyer now! I was sworn in this morning. Very prestigious, eh? Pictures of France and the Ceremony coming soon!!

So I'm cleaning my closet/dresser looking for clothes for Paris. We went to Old Navy today and I got two tee-shirts because there was pretty much nothing else there I'd wear. It's not me getting snobby, it's Old Navy having less for men, while stupid girls get more room. And babies. Stupid babies.

I also bought a new bag. Deuter ACT Lite 50+10 in the green you see below. It's quite amazing, and it encourages me to start making plans for my hiking trip this summer. I've decided somewhere along the Appalachian Trail, probably Vermont/New Hampshire, depending upon the degree of difficulty, as Chris plans on joining me.



See? Nice, eh? I have all these patches for it from other bags but I really don't want to risk sewing anything onto it, as it could possibly ruin the material or allow rain to seep in. How nifty looking is that, eh?

Anyone else been watching "Planet Earth" on the Discovery Channel? It's amazing. I could watch it all day long, and have today. If you haven't seen it, TiVo/schedule one viewing. It took the filmmakers 5 freaking years to capture everything, including some never-before-seen images. We just saw the first film of a snow leopard hunting.. It doesn't SOUND like it would be that interesting, but if you're the type who can appreciate educational TV or at least nature shows and don't require constant flashing lights and whistles, do give it a shot. The way it's filmed is amazing...

Ok, bitches. I'm off to finish cleaning my apartment and packing for Paris.

Because I do not post to my livejournal as much as I should. I admit: I kinda suck like that.

I'm really pumped for the job I have now -- good hours, good pay, good people. Plus, I'm getting sworn in AND I'm going Paris in the next two weeks. I think that's pay-back for the last 2 years of horrible fucking karma I've had to endure.

May 2nd is my "swearing-in" date. Basically, all attorneys have to do this. You dress up, go before a judge and recite an oath, then sign your name in the very prestigious Oath Book. "Very Prestigious" meaning not at all prestigious. Think of the some of the people who are attorneys in NY. Wait, don't. Let me list them for you.



Grover Cleveland, 22nd President of the United State, old white dude.



Washington Irving, American Author, old white dude.



Ed Koch, Asexual New York City Mayor, old white jewish dude.

I guess I'll start working on my chin-waddle now.

Taking a break from my busy day do tell you all I'm going to be sworn in as an officer of the court of the state of New York (that's, like, an attorney) on May 2. Huzzah! Finally! If you're going to be in Brooklyn and want to come see the grand affair, please feel free to email me and I'll see what I can do. I'm also thinking about having a huge celebration that weekend, maybe that friday (May 4th?) Sound good?

Sorry it's been so very long, but good news abounds!

1) I have a rather long-term temp(-to-perm, potentially) position. It's a great, boring, low-stress gig that pays well, and might pay even better soon because....

2) I'm finally having my character & fitness interview for admission to practice in NY. I'll be a *real* Esq soon!

3) I'm going to Paris! Chris and I are going for about a week at the end of April! So exciting!

So that's the obligatory Craig-update. Must be off to work! More to come.